Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen

Chapter Summaries of Deborah Tannen, You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation.   New York: Wm. Morrow, 1990.

    1. Different Words, Different Worlds
      Conversation seen/used differently:
Men see themselves as: Women see themselves as:
individuals in hierarchically structured world who indiv. in world of connection who negotiate
negotiate power + status, upper hand closeness, confirmation, support, consensus

      Intimacy and Independence: conversations have as goal to preserve status (M) or connection (W)

      Asymmetries:
      Women: Symmetry of connection creates community
      Men:   Asymmetry of status creates contest

      The Mixed Metamessages of Help: A message--e.g., offer of help, expression of sympathy--is always accompanied by metamessages--info about the relations among the people involved and their attitudes toward what they are saying or doing and the people they are saying and doing it to.   E.g., giving help may send metamessage "I am more competent than you."   Interpretation of metamessage depends heavily on wording, tone of voice, facial expression, gestures, etc.

      Framing = another way of thinking about metamessages: they indicate superior/inferior alignment, provide context for interpretation.   In effect, they frame you as dominant/ subordinate as well as framing what you say (e.g., talking to others like a teacher may frame you as condescending, pedantic; talking to others like a student seeking help and explanations may frame you as being insecure, incompetent, or naïve).

      The Modern Face of Chivalry: while message = being polite and showing connection, metamessage = control, giving permission or granting privilege (which can, conversely, be withdrawn too)

      The Protective Frame: M-->W reflects traditional alignment of men protecting women, but W-->M reflects w's traditional protection of children, framing man as child

Different Means to the Same End: we can all play...